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[personal profile] tripathy
(If you don't know what this is about by now, then it wouldn't matter to you anyway.)

Yes, I knew. I've known for two years now. She actually confessed it to me, very suddenly and spontaneously one day. I was one of three (as far as I know) who received this confession, and all three of us kept it to ourselves.

I hope that nobody is angry at me for not telling them (although apparently some of you found out anyway through other means). I cannot speak for the others, but I can give my reasons why I kept the secret, biting my tongue hard every time anyone asked me about her.

1) I believe that people's secrets are their own to reveal or not reveal. Because this secret tied in with her real life identity, I considered it to be personal and thus couldn't cross that line myself. Still, I always kind of hoped that someone else would reveal it one day so that I wouldn't have to.

2) I wanted to protect people. I felt horrible upon finding out the truth, like I had been used and played for a fool. It hurt, and I didn't want others to have to feel that way if they didn't have to. By that time she had been gone from LJ for a while anyway. When she returned a few months ago (yes, that french post was about her), she didn't stay long. As long as she wasn't here, I thought that it might be better if people could just keep their good memories. If she didn't stick around, no further harm could be done. So although I wanted someone else to tell, part of me still never wanted the rest of you to find out. Why hurt people for no reason?

I just want to say that if she had returned, tried to play the part and string people along again, I would not have stayed quiet. My french post was sort of a warning to that effect.

3) I wanted to avoid wank. Honestly, I have zero interest in wank, be it participating in it or even just reading it. My internet life is small now, limited to reading my f-list and chatting with a select few (no forums or communities of any kind). I didn't know if this would have gone splodey, and I didn't want it to go splodey all over me. I still don't, so I'm not going to tell my whole story.


She's not the person who was our friend. That person was an act. I can tell you from experience that there are differences between the character and the real person, in the "voice", the tone, the things that were said. Once we had been told the truth, there was no adjustment time--she was suddenly a different person. We weren't talking to our old friend anymore; we were talking to someone we didn't know, who then complained that we were treating her differently. Did she not realize that she was different when she wasn't him?

To be honest, I miss that fake person and the good times we had, but he is never coming back. One thing I have to say is that she was very good at what she did--a great writer and roleplayer. I suppose practice made perfect when for three years there was never a point when she wasn't roleplaying.

But I cannot abide liars, and this one will not be forgiven anytime soon.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-09-26 04:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aries-ascendant.livejournal.com
"By that time she had been gone from LJ for a while anyway."

She had two journals; one of them wasn't ever deleted. Do you know if she was lurking or if she was well and truly gone?

(no subject)

Date: 2009-09-26 05:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tripathy.livejournal.com
It's impossible to say because it obviously can't be proven one way or the other, but in the time between her departure from LJ and her reveal, she didn't talk about what she may have seen in other people's LJs, or about having chatted with anyone else--or at least if she did it was rare enough that I don't recall it. Between her reveal and subsequent departure from our little group, there was never talk of anyone else at all.

So as far as I knew, she had left the GAFF-LJ life and hadn't been part of it even in lurker form for a long time, but I certainly can't say for sure if she ever took peeks at people's LJs at any point.

I'm sorry you've been so upset by this. I didn't want to see other people hurt like this. -_-

(no subject)

Date: 2009-09-26 08:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aries-ascendant.livejournal.com
This is hardly your fault. Revealing herself and then swearing you to secrecy is just further emotional manipulation. She treated your horribly and you still felt the need to protect her. This woman's a pro.

I am upset, but again that's not your fault. I'm usually good at spotting sociopaths or emotional abusers because there have been far too many in my life. I hope that makes my reaction a little more understandable. I'm feeling a little unsafe right now, and the best way for me to deal with it is to withdraw for a bit instead of having a big dramatic fit. I'll be fine. I just need to re-evaluate some things about myself.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-09-27 05:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tripathy.livejournal.com
I just want to clarify that she didn't swear me to secrecy. I did that to myself for the reasons listed above. I wasn't protecting her as much as I was trying to keep to my own moral code, as well as protect other people from getting hurt. She unfortunately benefited from it. :P

One of the worst parts was being made to feel like a fool for not having seen any signs or figured anything out...and I spoke to her nearly every day for three years. I feel like I must be the biggest idiot in the world. This is another feeling that I wanted to protect people from. Not only is it humiliating but it makes me wonder about my own sense of observation--is it defective, to not have noticed these things? Have I become complacent? It's worrisome to me, and I haven't had sociopaths or emotional abusers in my life before this.

I hope you get through things okay.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-09-27 05:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] danalwyn.livejournal.com
"Not only is it humiliating but it makes me wonder about my own sense of observation--is it defective, to not have noticed these things? Have I become complacent?"

I haven't been saying much on this subject, but no, there's nothing wrong about your sense of observation. There's very little you can do about something like this; we detect threats and lies and danger like this by comparing what we're being told to the observable evidence around us. However, in this situation, the interface separating the two of you was large enough to preclude any attempt to compare the situations presented. And the easiest trick, to find things that don't match in recitations of daily life, doesn't work because the distance was enough that I suspect real details were used; meaning that there were very few small details to mess up in the recitation; descriptions of dwellings, surroundings, and daily routine are all probably real. It's almost impossible to catch these people when so little of your real, observable life intersects with them. There's nothing wrong with you; I'm sure you would have noticed if the approach had changed to trying to get money or other favors out of you that would have been against your best interests to provide, or otherwise directly taking advantage of you. Each of us probably has defenses and observational skills geared toward direct attacks, not manipulation that views us incidental to its true aim.

I don't know if that made any sense, but I don't think there's anything you have to be worried about or embarrassed of. I'm the farthest removed from all of this mess probably of the people who still remember all the players, and perhaps that's why I'm one of the least affected, but from where I stand there's very little you could have expected yourself to do within the bounds of reason. I hope I didn't do anything to contribute to it, and I hope you can put this situation where it rightfully belongs soon, behind you, in the trash bin.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-09-28 12:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tripathy.livejournal.com
Thanks for this. I've seen a few people commenting in the other LJs and saying "I always figured something was off about that one", so I was wondering why I couldn't see it if other people could. Or maybe they didn't, really, and are just doing the 20/20 hindsight thing now that the truth is out. Who knows.

And don't worry, you did absolutely nothing to contribute to this. Just count yourself lucky that you got to be a player and not close enough to her to be hurt by this. The best of both worlds!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-09-28 07:27 pm (UTC)
ext_25882: (Blindfolded Queen)
From: [identity profile] nightdog-barks.livejournal.com
Just here to say that no, I never saw anything either -- anything to indicate that this person was someone other than they said. I do think I was more accepting in those days, more willing to take someone at their word as to who they were, and maybe that had something to do with it.

It all seems a lifetime ago to me, though.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-02 01:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tripathy.livejournal.com
I think I will always wonder if I overlooked things because I was so blinded by the fun of the RPs we used to do together. Oh, well.

It seems like a really long time ago to me too, so it did feel strange to have all of these people only now finding out what I've known for over two years. It kind of opened it up again, but now it feels like at last I can truly put it behind me.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-11-24 05:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crackpig.livejournal.com
A Good Time Was Had By All!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-11-24 06:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tripathy.livejournal.com
You are two months late, sir!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-11-24 08:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crackpig.livejournal.com
Slow down and smell life's roses! There's no urgent need to do everything immediately, with the possible exception of wiping.

(Just checked back, I did have a comment two months ago, only two comments beneath your'n in that there Chamber of Delight & Torment :P)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-11-25 07:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tripathy.livejournal.com
Ya rly? Was it fascinating and/or insightful? (Took me a bit to even remember what you meant by "Chamber". >_o)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-11-26 01:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tripathy.livejournal.com
Then everything is right with the world! :D

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