Sick and tired
Oct. 30th, 2003 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tripathyThat just about describes my life lately. I don't know, maybe it's the whole birthday coming up and I know I never get to do anything cool on Halloween, or whatever. But I feel crappy. Most things suck.
I say most, because I got new shoes yesterday. A pair of platform sneakers and a pair of skater shoes (the wide-looking sneakers). So go me.
Other than that, here's where I place a WARNING. I am about to rant on anything and everything around me. Some of you may escape skewering, some may not. Please know that it doesn't mean I love you any less, but I just need to get a lot of things off my chest. All this is not to hurt anyone, it's to simply make me feel better by saying it. This will probably include quite a bit of swearing, which I don't normally do, simply because I have strong feelings at the moment. Also, some of the stuff is just a bit outdated (has been rectified or might be soon, or I don't feel quite as strongly about it as I did), but still was begging to be said. So please, read at your own peril. You have been warned.
God, where to start. Have I mentioned everything sucks?
Job search: I hate it. Hate hate hate. Everyone wants goddamn experience, like minimum 4 years! How the hell am I supposed to have experience? Aren't there any entry-level positions anywhere? I've actually managed to see a couple of jobs that don't require so much experience, but where I'd be expected to do field work, which I can't. I can't do physical work, end of story. And I can't seem to be able to clear my head enough to write a proper cover letter. Do I have mental problems or something? I seem to have trouble focusing on things for longer than a couple of minutes at a time. By the time I finish this post, I'll probably have done a million other little things. Why can't I ever concentrate?
And I'm not interested in being anywhere french. Fuck this province. I lie and say I'm bilingual, when I'm not. I understand fine, as long as the person is speaking clearly and I can hear perfectly. But speaking it is almost out of the question. I suck, I'll never be able to speak it well.
Saw in the paper yesterday that one of the borough chairs is being targeted by crazy separatists because she doesn't speak french very well. Vandalism and such. Freaks. Any wonder I want out of this place? US, rest of Canada, anywhere but here. Well, actually, I want to be in the northeast US or Ontario. Or Calgary. But that's really it. I don't want to end up in Vancouver or something, becasue they don't get proper winter there and it just rains all the time.
Yeah. Here I am, turning 26 in a matter of hours, and I haven't lived on my own yet. Haven't had a real job yet. Haven't been in love yet. It's embarrassing. I might as well still be a child. For all I've done with my life, we might as well just shave off the last 10 years, because that's the point I feel I'm at.
What the hell was my education for? I can barely remember any of it. How can I apply what I don't remember? God, I guess I just need a grunt job. Something easy and repetitive. Use my degree to become a data entry deadbrain. Sounds about right.
Hockey: This is supposed to be thing I look forward to. But we have so many fucking rookies that we can't do anything. Abby, aside from doing well with the registration and stuff, is not a god captain. She can't keep her moods or her personal feelings out of the changing room or off the ice. She and Trish were actually yelling at each other during the last game. What the fuck is up with that? It's embarrassing that the coach has to actually mention in the dressing room after the game that yelling at each other isn't helpful, and one of the older players is coming to me and asking me to do something. I'm not the captain any more, and I can't just take over from Abby, either. But this team is going down the shit hole.
We keep losing badly. After the reputation this team has built up over the past few years, this is hard to take. Abby shouldn't have taken on so many rookies. I know that we have to let department people in no matter what, really, since this is a fun league and all, but there was no need to get those two non-department free agents. Seventeen players is simply too many, especially when five are rookies and two other veterans can't skate well at all. Since we can't put rookies on defence, they're all on forward. Which means a center and two wingers who can't do squat. I swore I'd never say this, because I used to be the worst player on my ringuette team that nobody ever wanted to play with and I therefore know the feeling, but damn! How the hell are we supposed to do anything? And the rookies don't go out and skate or do anything, so they don't get any better. A couple have potential, but that's not doing us any good at the moment. We're 1-2-0 and we haven't played the Knockouts yet.
Doesn't help of course that Sonya is injured or whatever and we have to put someone who knows squat and can't move in nets in the meantime. So we can't score, and we can't rely on our goalie to stop the shots either. We're screwed.
So instead of loving hockey, I'm no wondering what the hell I paid so much for. Having fun is all well and good, and I don't mind losing as long as I know that we did our best and it was a good game. But we're looking like shit compared to the other teams, there's infighting on the team, and so I'm not having fun. So much for that. It's pissing Kel off too, and neither of us comes out in a good mood from hockey any more. What the hell am I putting myself in severe pain for every time?
Yeah, severe pain. It takes a long time to recover from hockey. The day after, I'm covered in that bad achey flu feeling, combined with fibro-sore muscles, and regular sore muscles. I'm miserable. Two days after things are a bit less, but it takes about 3 days before I'm back to normal. What the hell am I gonna do if I ever do get a job? "Sorry, I can't come in to work today, I played hockey last night." Or quit hockey? Not much of a choice.
Of course, next year everyone will graduate, and there's no reason to pay so much money to play with a bunch of strangers, so I won't play at McGill. I'll find somewhere else. I hope.
RP: Ah, the other thing I'm supposed to look forward to. Once upon a time I could barely keep up with having Liz, Ly's and Sail's RP running at the same time. Ah, the good times. Now I'm lucky if I get to play with one of them. Liz's DM comes and goes, which I understand, cause hell if I could keep it up for as long as she did. Still, I hate it when she doesn't come on and doesn't give me any warning.
Liz also wants to take my TF characters and make them into an original story. I don't know about that...I'd authorize a fanfic about them, as their proper selves and in the world they were meant to be in, but I don't really like the idea of them being tweaked to fit an original universe. They are my characters, after all. Of course, Liz has contributed so much to Risk's story that she's almost a co-author on that point, but in the end I still created these guys. Maybe I can understand why those Sue-authors get so crazy when people don't like their characters...I'm feeling very protective of mine. Sorry, Liz...you know I love you and your ideas, but I don't want my characters taken out of their world -_-.
I feel crappy for not being able to DM better for Ly. My ideas seem to come and go, and the stuff I'm trying to set up is so far-reaching that I've run up against my inner perfectionist, who's insisting that things better damn well be done right with no contradictions or else. But thanks, Ly...for grabbing me into OOC just so we can have something to when my brain isn't working, and for being the one to listen to my complaints for the last while. *hugs*
(Slightly outdated) As for Sail's RP...it's been driving me crazy. Really. Every night I want to just say "fuck it", but I can't seem to. I'm killing myself inside by looking forward to something that continues to not happen every night. Okay, yes, I know, I'm being a melodramatic addict. But how long have I been putting up with not getting to play properly? I mean, there was a time when I felt the RP was stagnating a bit...which is fine, I know everyone has their dry spells, and Sail and I have been at this same one for quite a long time. But that was better than knowing that plotlines are planned and never getting to them! I mean, goddamn! It's like finding out the show you've waited all week to see has been pre-empted! And then the next week, the same thing happens! And again! And yet you can't help liking the show, because it's your favourite show, so you keep turning on the TV every week, hoping...only to be disappointed.
Ever since NE joined the RP this has been a problem. Now, I'm not ripping on NE. She's really sweet and fun and I love having her around after her very long absence. She also makes a good DM when it comes to monsters and such...good scary action. But if the three of us can't get our schedules worked out, then I just...I don't know. I mean, all of them are on the same time (or nearly). It's ME who loses every time. I'm the one who's 3-4 hours ahead, who has to get off before we can get anything done. The rest of them have the rest of the night to play together. So I wait for hours, and I do mean hours. Who wants to wait 5 hours to find out that nothing's gonna happen? Who wouldn't be disappointed if that happened? EVERY FUCKING NIGHT? I'm sorry, NE, I love you, but I hope Jonatus splits from Risk and Illuj. This three-person thing is just too hard to do. *hugs* No offence, and no hard feelings, I hope. You have work and other stuff, I know.
But while I'm on the subject of that RP, it's not just the scheduling problems that were driving me crazy. Maybe it's just from the fast pace of Liz's RP, or maybe I just didn't notice it before, but the long descriptive paragraphs... I mean, they're okay when it's actual action that must be described, but other than that, shorter is sweeter. And this is supposed to Risk's RP. Sail and NE have their own RP together where their characters can go into lots of description and interact with each other as much as they want...but please, don't have all that interaction while my character can't even participate and is forced to just stand around and watch! God, there were a couple of nights where I waited all night for the three of us to get there together only to watch Sail and NE RP together while my lines for nearly half an hour consisted of:
[01:34] *doesn't know what to do except just stand there and watch*
[01:41] *still just standing back*
[01:48] *still hanging back, staying out of their way*
[02:02] *little glance at Berach, but doesn't seem to mind so much that he's there...still just watching*
And then I had to go. I wait so long, people finally get there, and then I waste my last half hour online simply watching others play instead of actually playing. I'm the one who gets yelled at when I don't get off on time. The rest of them seem to be able to stay on as long as they want. Do interaction between your characters in your own RP. No need to repeat it in mine while my character just stands around. See, it's not so much the long descriptions. I prefer the faster style, but I'm okay with the description most of the time as long as my character is getting to interact!
Lately it's been a bit better, and I do have fun, but that's only when I actually get to play. Sail doesn't even come in until past 1am any more. Heck, maybe since NE isn't getting in 'til later, there isn't much point in coming in and just having to listen to me bitch and moan about not playing :P...if that's the case at all, I guess I can't blame her for that. Okay, probably the more realistic explanation is that she's busy meshing or having room renovations or net problems or whichever recently, but still...*sigh* I swear, sometimes it's like everything is against me getting to play.
Sail, if you read this, don't hate me. I still love you, I just had to let everything out. *hugs* I hope we're okay. I just miss the good old days, I guess. Hell, I used to get in more RP time when I was on the school comps than I have been lately. It's so hard to wait all night and then see people for half an hour, not advance the plot, and then have to get off.
Plot advancement is important to me, heh. As is character development...and a lot of the time it seems as if Risk just isn't being challenged so he can grow as a character. A lot of the time he just fights, or he watches stuff happening around him. I'm not sure what to do about this, all I know is that he needs a little something more or else he might just stagnate again.
And also...this is just kind of to everyone, don't say you're gonna be on if you're not, don't promise you're gonna be on earlier if you can't keep the promise. This is worse, because it gets my hopes up for nothing. If I know you're not gonna be on 'til much later, I'll go do something else without worrying that I might be missing out on what meager RP time I might get. I understand if the connection screws up or whatever, but that doesn't account for everything.
Another "if I ever get a job": I suppose it'll be so much for RPing. If I got a regular 9-5, I'd have to go to bed earlier, like midnight at least. Since nobody gets on early any more (except for Liz when she comes on), what...I'll just not see them again?
I don't know what's wrong with me. Normally I pride myself on being lenient and easygoing and fairly patient, but I guess I must have reached a limit. There's only so many disappointments I can take before they start to upset me.
Fuck. I suck. I'm being so bitchy over what should be nothing. I'm fucking 26 years old today (it's after midnight). Time for me to stop getting annoyed over not being able to play. I'm just a stupid child.
Real life: I'll never grow up. That's what it feels like. Never get a job, never move out. I'm going to live with my parents fucking forever. Put up with Ma forever. I hate to rant on her around my birthday, when I know she's gonna get me lots of nice presents, but I'm so sick of being told when to get off the computer. And her sleeping in the living room pisses off everyone in the house. Not to mention that if she can't sleep, she's gonna make damn sure nobody else does either. Regardless of the fact that Ter and Da are laready in bed, she'll still scream at Kel or me if we're not going to bed fast enough for her liking. Actual quote: *as loud as possible* "I don't care if I wake up the whole house! You're not letting ME sleep!". See what we have to deal with? I know she can't sleep in her bed for long because of her arthritis and all, but we've suggested she get a comfy chair and put it up in her room in a corner. First, of course, she'll have to clean out all the shit in the corner so she could put a chair there. But of course, she doesn't want that solution, she wants to keep doing things her way and get in the way of everyone else's life in the meantime.
And the way she argues...god, like a child. Always having to have the last word no matter how stupid it is, and "no, you're a...", and always keeping the argument going no matter what. Christ! If I wasn't related to her...I don't know how people even like her. Anyone who steps through the door of our house knows she's a control freak. Everyone's so sick of her yelling that we do what she says just to get her to shut the hell up. Everyone has their limit, though...
Of course, when she's nice, she's very very nice, and she's my mother, and I love her. Why does she have to make it so difficult to get along with her so often? I hope I don't end up like that. I want to end up like Granny...easygoing, mellow, just getting along with everyone...
Speaking of Granny, yes, she's getting on. I'm getting a bit worried about her...last time she came over, I went upstairs to get her, and she was out of breath by the time we walked down the hall to the elevator. There's been this issue over her (well, Grandpa's, really) will, and Ma has been getting that ironed out, and also talking about funeral/memorial arrangements and stuff lately. I know this is stuff that needs to be done and all, but it makes it sound like she thinks Granny could go any day now. God, I hope not, please please please...Granny is the most perfect person ever, and she can't die.
So yeah, that's another thing on the pile. I really need to go visit Granny more, and I'm getting guilt trips from Ma about it too. I want to visit her, but I just can't seem to get the time/energy...I suck. I really do.
Marie-Eve and Miles have split. Why? Because he lost his job a hella long time ago and then didn't go get the unemployment insurance money, and apparently didn't try to get another job either. She says he just sat at home and played on the internet and the XBox all day, so she lost the passion and then respect for him.
Sound familiar? Now I worry she might lose respect for me because I'm doing the same thing. Just sitting at home on the computer. I know it's different for me, obviously...she wasn't married to me, and we're best friends. But still...the thought that laziness like mine could break up a marriage? That kinda scares me. I don't want people to think less of me. But I guess if they do, I'll deserve it. After all, it's my own fault if I'm lazy.
No wonder she hadn't called me in so long. She said she was dreading having to tell me because I was the maid of honour at her wedding and all. I don't know, did she think I'd think she'd failed or something? That I'd get on her case? Shit happens. I'm her best friend, I'll always be there for her. I'm not about to cast judgment or blame. It's her life. Was I the last to know? I wonder about that...it kinda makes me sad. I'm her best friend, she should know me better than that.
*SIGH*
It's 1:20am and Sail isn't on yet. Neither is NE, but that's no surprise. I know she was working late. I told Ma I'm staying on 'til I feel like tonight (it's my birthday, dammit, and I won't be on for probably the next two nights), but I kinda need to be to bed before 4am. Watch them not show up until even later so that my staying up won't matter.
Look, I've become a pessimist! Once upon a time I was an optimist through everything. I guess that time is gone.
To top it all off, once again I don't get to do something truly Halloween-like for Halloween. The best I can do is head downtown to the department party with Kel and hope that there's a little fun to be had there. Of course, every time I go back in the department I start feeling like a failure again because everyone else there is working hard and isn't a quitter. But I'll try to just have fun...
Saturday night I've been invited along for a combined birthday dinner with some friends from the department. They're (mostly) technically Kel's friends, but at least they're mine too...although where are my real friends? Hm, real friends...I'll bet they'll all forget my birthday like they do every year. Any wonder why I don't talk to any of them any more. Pretty well everyone who's a better friend than that is too far away now.
I wanted to spend Halloween at Marie-Eve's farm...it's the perfect place for that, seeing as how it's old, in the middle of nowhere, and already haunted. But now that they've split up, she's got her own place in the east end, and they'll probably sell the house. And she's out of town this weekend celebrating the Samhain with her coven, so I don't even get to see her. >_<
All this was written with only a fraction of how I felt the other night when I first wanted to write this. I was lying in bed at the time, wracked with hockey-induced pain, upset over RPing yet again, frustrated by my lack of job/skills to get a job/ability to even search for a job, and I was almost crying. I was up until after 5am, just stuck on everything. So I think this was important to me, just to finally write this and get it all off my chest. This probably isn't even everything, but this is hella long already. O_o
I still love everybody...and I feel better now. Sail, NE, Liz, Ly, whoever else might have read all this... *BIG HUGS*. I hope you understand and you don't think I hate you. In fact, much of what I said about the RPs is outdated now, and I don't feel quite as strongly or upset about it as I did before, although I just had to write it all out. Once all this is completely off my chest for good, I might even just delete this. And hopefully, none of you will have to listen to any further complaints on my part. I'm done with ranting...time to suck it up and get on with things.
Okay, that took me like two hours to write. It's out of my system now, and I don't really have much else to say.
Devils' Night is over now...Happy Halloween. Hope everyone has a good one.
I say most, because I got new shoes yesterday. A pair of platform sneakers and a pair of skater shoes (the wide-looking sneakers). So go me.
Other than that, here's where I place a WARNING. I am about to rant on anything and everything around me. Some of you may escape skewering, some may not. Please know that it doesn't mean I love you any less, but I just need to get a lot of things off my chest. All this is not to hurt anyone, it's to simply make me feel better by saying it. This will probably include quite a bit of swearing, which I don't normally do, simply because I have strong feelings at the moment. Also, some of the stuff is just a bit outdated (has been rectified or might be soon, or I don't feel quite as strongly about it as I did), but still was begging to be said. So please, read at your own peril. You have been warned.
God, where to start. Have I mentioned everything sucks?
Job search: I hate it. Hate hate hate. Everyone wants goddamn experience, like minimum 4 years! How the hell am I supposed to have experience? Aren't there any entry-level positions anywhere? I've actually managed to see a couple of jobs that don't require so much experience, but where I'd be expected to do field work, which I can't. I can't do physical work, end of story. And I can't seem to be able to clear my head enough to write a proper cover letter. Do I have mental problems or something? I seem to have trouble focusing on things for longer than a couple of minutes at a time. By the time I finish this post, I'll probably have done a million other little things. Why can't I ever concentrate?
And I'm not interested in being anywhere french. Fuck this province. I lie and say I'm bilingual, when I'm not. I understand fine, as long as the person is speaking clearly and I can hear perfectly. But speaking it is almost out of the question. I suck, I'll never be able to speak it well.
Saw in the paper yesterday that one of the borough chairs is being targeted by crazy separatists because she doesn't speak french very well. Vandalism and such. Freaks. Any wonder I want out of this place? US, rest of Canada, anywhere but here. Well, actually, I want to be in the northeast US or Ontario. Or Calgary. But that's really it. I don't want to end up in Vancouver or something, becasue they don't get proper winter there and it just rains all the time.
Yeah. Here I am, turning 26 in a matter of hours, and I haven't lived on my own yet. Haven't had a real job yet. Haven't been in love yet. It's embarrassing. I might as well still be a child. For all I've done with my life, we might as well just shave off the last 10 years, because that's the point I feel I'm at.
What the hell was my education for? I can barely remember any of it. How can I apply what I don't remember? God, I guess I just need a grunt job. Something easy and repetitive. Use my degree to become a data entry deadbrain. Sounds about right.
Hockey: This is supposed to be thing I look forward to. But we have so many fucking rookies that we can't do anything. Abby, aside from doing well with the registration and stuff, is not a god captain. She can't keep her moods or her personal feelings out of the changing room or off the ice. She and Trish were actually yelling at each other during the last game. What the fuck is up with that? It's embarrassing that the coach has to actually mention in the dressing room after the game that yelling at each other isn't helpful, and one of the older players is coming to me and asking me to do something. I'm not the captain any more, and I can't just take over from Abby, either. But this team is going down the shit hole.
We keep losing badly. After the reputation this team has built up over the past few years, this is hard to take. Abby shouldn't have taken on so many rookies. I know that we have to let department people in no matter what, really, since this is a fun league and all, but there was no need to get those two non-department free agents. Seventeen players is simply too many, especially when five are rookies and two other veterans can't skate well at all. Since we can't put rookies on defence, they're all on forward. Which means a center and two wingers who can't do squat. I swore I'd never say this, because I used to be the worst player on my ringuette team that nobody ever wanted to play with and I therefore know the feeling, but damn! How the hell are we supposed to do anything? And the rookies don't go out and skate or do anything, so they don't get any better. A couple have potential, but that's not doing us any good at the moment. We're 1-2-0 and we haven't played the Knockouts yet.
Doesn't help of course that Sonya is injured or whatever and we have to put someone who knows squat and can't move in nets in the meantime. So we can't score, and we can't rely on our goalie to stop the shots either. We're screwed.
So instead of loving hockey, I'm no wondering what the hell I paid so much for. Having fun is all well and good, and I don't mind losing as long as I know that we did our best and it was a good game. But we're looking like shit compared to the other teams, there's infighting on the team, and so I'm not having fun. So much for that. It's pissing Kel off too, and neither of us comes out in a good mood from hockey any more. What the hell am I putting myself in severe pain for every time?
Yeah, severe pain. It takes a long time to recover from hockey. The day after, I'm covered in that bad achey flu feeling, combined with fibro-sore muscles, and regular sore muscles. I'm miserable. Two days after things are a bit less, but it takes about 3 days before I'm back to normal. What the hell am I gonna do if I ever do get a job? "Sorry, I can't come in to work today, I played hockey last night." Or quit hockey? Not much of a choice.
Of course, next year everyone will graduate, and there's no reason to pay so much money to play with a bunch of strangers, so I won't play at McGill. I'll find somewhere else. I hope.
RP: Ah, the other thing I'm supposed to look forward to. Once upon a time I could barely keep up with having Liz, Ly's and Sail's RP running at the same time. Ah, the good times. Now I'm lucky if I get to play with one of them. Liz's DM comes and goes, which I understand, cause hell if I could keep it up for as long as she did. Still, I hate it when she doesn't come on and doesn't give me any warning.
Liz also wants to take my TF characters and make them into an original story. I don't know about that...I'd authorize a fanfic about them, as their proper selves and in the world they were meant to be in, but I don't really like the idea of them being tweaked to fit an original universe. They are my characters, after all. Of course, Liz has contributed so much to Risk's story that she's almost a co-author on that point, but in the end I still created these guys. Maybe I can understand why those Sue-authors get so crazy when people don't like their characters...I'm feeling very protective of mine. Sorry, Liz...you know I love you and your ideas, but I don't want my characters taken out of their world -_-.
I feel crappy for not being able to DM better for Ly. My ideas seem to come and go, and the stuff I'm trying to set up is so far-reaching that I've run up against my inner perfectionist, who's insisting that things better damn well be done right with no contradictions or else. But thanks, Ly...for grabbing me into OOC just so we can have something to when my brain isn't working, and for being the one to listen to my complaints for the last while. *hugs*
(Slightly outdated) As for Sail's RP...it's been driving me crazy. Really. Every night I want to just say "fuck it", but I can't seem to. I'm killing myself inside by looking forward to something that continues to not happen every night. Okay, yes, I know, I'm being a melodramatic addict. But how long have I been putting up with not getting to play properly? I mean, there was a time when I felt the RP was stagnating a bit...which is fine, I know everyone has their dry spells, and Sail and I have been at this same one for quite a long time. But that was better than knowing that plotlines are planned and never getting to them! I mean, goddamn! It's like finding out the show you've waited all week to see has been pre-empted! And then the next week, the same thing happens! And again! And yet you can't help liking the show, because it's your favourite show, so you keep turning on the TV every week, hoping...only to be disappointed.
Ever since NE joined the RP this has been a problem. Now, I'm not ripping on NE. She's really sweet and fun and I love having her around after her very long absence. She also makes a good DM when it comes to monsters and such...good scary action. But if the three of us can't get our schedules worked out, then I just...I don't know. I mean, all of them are on the same time (or nearly). It's ME who loses every time. I'm the one who's 3-4 hours ahead, who has to get off before we can get anything done. The rest of them have the rest of the night to play together. So I wait for hours, and I do mean hours. Who wants to wait 5 hours to find out that nothing's gonna happen? Who wouldn't be disappointed if that happened? EVERY FUCKING NIGHT? I'm sorry, NE, I love you, but I hope Jonatus splits from Risk and Illuj. This three-person thing is just too hard to do. *hugs* No offence, and no hard feelings, I hope. You have work and other stuff, I know.
But while I'm on the subject of that RP, it's not just the scheduling problems that were driving me crazy. Maybe it's just from the fast pace of Liz's RP, or maybe I just didn't notice it before, but the long descriptive paragraphs... I mean, they're okay when it's actual action that must be described, but other than that, shorter is sweeter. And this is supposed to Risk's RP. Sail and NE have their own RP together where their characters can go into lots of description and interact with each other as much as they want...but please, don't have all that interaction while my character can't even participate and is forced to just stand around and watch! God, there were a couple of nights where I waited all night for the three of us to get there together only to watch Sail and NE RP together while my lines for nearly half an hour consisted of:
[01:34]
[01:41]
[01:48]
[02:02]
And then I had to go. I wait so long, people finally get there, and then I waste my last half hour online simply watching others play instead of actually playing. I'm the one who gets yelled at when I don't get off on time. The rest of them seem to be able to stay on as long as they want. Do interaction between your characters in your own RP. No need to repeat it in mine while my character just stands around. See, it's not so much the long descriptions. I prefer the faster style, but I'm okay with the description most of the time as long as my character is getting to interact!
Lately it's been a bit better, and I do have fun, but that's only when I actually get to play. Sail doesn't even come in until past 1am any more. Heck, maybe since NE isn't getting in 'til later, there isn't much point in coming in and just having to listen to me bitch and moan about not playing :P...if that's the case at all, I guess I can't blame her for that. Okay, probably the more realistic explanation is that she's busy meshing or having room renovations or net problems or whichever recently, but still...*sigh* I swear, sometimes it's like everything is against me getting to play.
Sail, if you read this, don't hate me. I still love you, I just had to let everything out. *hugs* I hope we're okay. I just miss the good old days, I guess. Hell, I used to get in more RP time when I was on the school comps than I have been lately. It's so hard to wait all night and then see people for half an hour, not advance the plot, and then have to get off.
Plot advancement is important to me, heh. As is character development...and a lot of the time it seems as if Risk just isn't being challenged so he can grow as a character. A lot of the time he just fights, or he watches stuff happening around him. I'm not sure what to do about this, all I know is that he needs a little something more or else he might just stagnate again.
And also...this is just kind of to everyone, don't say you're gonna be on if you're not, don't promise you're gonna be on earlier if you can't keep the promise. This is worse, because it gets my hopes up for nothing. If I know you're not gonna be on 'til much later, I'll go do something else without worrying that I might be missing out on what meager RP time I might get. I understand if the connection screws up or whatever, but that doesn't account for everything.
Another "if I ever get a job": I suppose it'll be so much for RPing. If I got a regular 9-5, I'd have to go to bed earlier, like midnight at least. Since nobody gets on early any more (except for Liz when she comes on), what...I'll just not see them again?
I don't know what's wrong with me. Normally I pride myself on being lenient and easygoing and fairly patient, but I guess I must have reached a limit. There's only so many disappointments I can take before they start to upset me.
Fuck. I suck. I'm being so bitchy over what should be nothing. I'm fucking 26 years old today (it's after midnight). Time for me to stop getting annoyed over not being able to play. I'm just a stupid child.
Real life: I'll never grow up. That's what it feels like. Never get a job, never move out. I'm going to live with my parents fucking forever. Put up with Ma forever. I hate to rant on her around my birthday, when I know she's gonna get me lots of nice presents, but I'm so sick of being told when to get off the computer. And her sleeping in the living room pisses off everyone in the house. Not to mention that if she can't sleep, she's gonna make damn sure nobody else does either. Regardless of the fact that Ter and Da are laready in bed, she'll still scream at Kel or me if we're not going to bed fast enough for her liking. Actual quote: *as loud as possible* "I don't care if I wake up the whole house! You're not letting ME sleep!". See what we have to deal with? I know she can't sleep in her bed for long because of her arthritis and all, but we've suggested she get a comfy chair and put it up in her room in a corner. First, of course, she'll have to clean out all the shit in the corner so she could put a chair there. But of course, she doesn't want that solution, she wants to keep doing things her way and get in the way of everyone else's life in the meantime.
And the way she argues...god, like a child. Always having to have the last word no matter how stupid it is, and "no, you're a...", and always keeping the argument going no matter what. Christ! If I wasn't related to her...I don't know how people even like her. Anyone who steps through the door of our house knows she's a control freak. Everyone's so sick of her yelling that we do what she says just to get her to shut the hell up. Everyone has their limit, though...
Of course, when she's nice, she's very very nice, and she's my mother, and I love her. Why does she have to make it so difficult to get along with her so often? I hope I don't end up like that. I want to end up like Granny...easygoing, mellow, just getting along with everyone...
Speaking of Granny, yes, she's getting on. I'm getting a bit worried about her...last time she came over, I went upstairs to get her, and she was out of breath by the time we walked down the hall to the elevator. There's been this issue over her (well, Grandpa's, really) will, and Ma has been getting that ironed out, and also talking about funeral/memorial arrangements and stuff lately. I know this is stuff that needs to be done and all, but it makes it sound like she thinks Granny could go any day now. God, I hope not, please please please...Granny is the most perfect person ever, and she can't die.
So yeah, that's another thing on the pile. I really need to go visit Granny more, and I'm getting guilt trips from Ma about it too. I want to visit her, but I just can't seem to get the time/energy...I suck. I really do.
Marie-Eve and Miles have split. Why? Because he lost his job a hella long time ago and then didn't go get the unemployment insurance money, and apparently didn't try to get another job either. She says he just sat at home and played on the internet and the XBox all day, so she lost the passion and then respect for him.
Sound familiar? Now I worry she might lose respect for me because I'm doing the same thing. Just sitting at home on the computer. I know it's different for me, obviously...she wasn't married to me, and we're best friends. But still...the thought that laziness like mine could break up a marriage? That kinda scares me. I don't want people to think less of me. But I guess if they do, I'll deserve it. After all, it's my own fault if I'm lazy.
No wonder she hadn't called me in so long. She said she was dreading having to tell me because I was the maid of honour at her wedding and all. I don't know, did she think I'd think she'd failed or something? That I'd get on her case? Shit happens. I'm her best friend, I'll always be there for her. I'm not about to cast judgment or blame. It's her life. Was I the last to know? I wonder about that...it kinda makes me sad. I'm her best friend, she should know me better than that.
*SIGH*
It's 1:20am and Sail isn't on yet. Neither is NE, but that's no surprise. I know she was working late. I told Ma I'm staying on 'til I feel like tonight (it's my birthday, dammit, and I won't be on for probably the next two nights), but I kinda need to be to bed before 4am. Watch them not show up until even later so that my staying up won't matter.
Look, I've become a pessimist! Once upon a time I was an optimist through everything. I guess that time is gone.
To top it all off, once again I don't get to do something truly Halloween-like for Halloween. The best I can do is head downtown to the department party with Kel and hope that there's a little fun to be had there. Of course, every time I go back in the department I start feeling like a failure again because everyone else there is working hard and isn't a quitter. But I'll try to just have fun...
Saturday night I've been invited along for a combined birthday dinner with some friends from the department. They're (mostly) technically Kel's friends, but at least they're mine too...although where are my real friends? Hm, real friends...I'll bet they'll all forget my birthday like they do every year. Any wonder why I don't talk to any of them any more. Pretty well everyone who's a better friend than that is too far away now.
I wanted to spend Halloween at Marie-Eve's farm...it's the perfect place for that, seeing as how it's old, in the middle of nowhere, and already haunted. But now that they've split up, she's got her own place in the east end, and they'll probably sell the house. And she's out of town this weekend celebrating the Samhain with her coven, so I don't even get to see her. >_<
All this was written with only a fraction of how I felt the other night when I first wanted to write this. I was lying in bed at the time, wracked with hockey-induced pain, upset over RPing yet again, frustrated by my lack of job/skills to get a job/ability to even search for a job, and I was almost crying. I was up until after 5am, just stuck on everything. So I think this was important to me, just to finally write this and get it all off my chest. This probably isn't even everything, but this is hella long already. O_o
I still love everybody...and I feel better now. Sail, NE, Liz, Ly, whoever else might have read all this... *BIG HUGS*. I hope you understand and you don't think I hate you. In fact, much of what I said about the RPs is outdated now, and I don't feel quite as strongly or upset about it as I did before, although I just had to write it all out. Once all this is completely off my chest for good, I might even just delete this. And hopefully, none of you will have to listen to any further complaints on my part. I'm done with ranting...time to suck it up and get on with things.
Okay, that took me like two hours to write. It's out of my system now, and I don't really have much else to say.
Devils' Night is over now...Happy Halloween. Hope everyone has a good one.
